10 Reasons Why That Hipster Coffee Shop Isn’t Worth That $9 Coffee

Hipsters: Austin is crawling with ‘em. It’s very easy to get roped into something because your hipster friends tell you it’s ‘in’ right now. Don’t let them deter you. You don’t deserve those tiny servings. You just don’t. Here are 10 reasons to say no to the tiny hipster coffees:

1. Someone will say something that sounds vaguely like this:

“But it’s ground with an ax then brewed out of the cylinder of an old European motorcycle and served in a non-GMO, vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free vessel braided out of the beard hair of a Javascript developer. Eight dollars is so worth it!”

2. Anything hipster basically means one thing: style over substance.

Like those terrible avant-garde films where people stare at each other for twenty minutes while a narration explains something vague and pretentious…yikes.

3. The coffee will without a doubt be served in a tiny teacup.

You’ll take about 3 sips and the coffee will be gone. You’ll be left still tired and out the price of that burrito that you were going to get for lunch.

4. You will be forced to listen to their hipster music full of dissonant sounds and angstily-charged lyrics.

This one just speaks for itself. It’s just not enjoyable.

5. Since it’s a hipster coffee shop, it will be over-populated.

A hipster coffee shop is like a breeding ground for those kids. There are fights-to-the-death for the territorial claim of a table or an outlet to plug in their laptops. It’s scary.

6. Someone will ask you if you have heard the new Mitski album.

And you, of course, have not. But you will have to hear about how good the lyrics are, presumably by multiple people.

7. There will be decorations around that you never even realized could be used for decorations.

Mainly made-up of vintage products that aren’t even that cool: an old 7-up bottle, an old child’s racecar toy, people’s olf family photos from the early 1900’s(?), and old bicycles.

8. Someone will have their ‘support animal’ guinea pig with them at the table where you’re eating.

“Hey, he brings me comfort because I have slight social anxiety, alright?

9. No one wears deodorant in there.

This one is also self-explanatory.

10. Austin Java sells your favorite coffee classics starting at $2.50.

The way it should be.


Moral of the story: come to Austin Java. We’ll give you a nice big cup of adequately priced coffee and we promise not to do any of those things mentioned above.